I like to write because this is the only avenue where I can express myself without any constraints. Because who else won’t judge you?

After a certain point, it stops to make sense. People you were extremely enamoured with, no more appear to hold your importance. Things around are fast to change or maybe it’s me who doesn’t grow tired of being stuck with the same group of people with not the scarcest possibility to grow. Maybe I am too damaged, too shady and twisty, I feed on people’s goodness and when I have sucked out all that I would, I’d simply outgrow them. I’d rather not let myself know that the world has come up short on genuine people. I would prefer not to let myself know that everyone is wearing a mask and everyone is trying to become someone which I am eventually going to like, but they are eventually going to be tired of pretending.

It’s either this, or that the people I meet consistently are simply faking it all. They take their own sweet time to show their true being. What I fail to comprehend is the talent by which people fake bonding. I can’t fake a “hello” with somebody I don’t care for. Also, I am an easy prey, I accept. Since regardless of the amount of generosity, humanity or just say ‘nicety’ you shower on them, they won’t leave an opportunity to stab you in your back. What’s more, regardless of how hard they attempt, little bit of mask peels off step by step and staying with something they are not, is a lot of an effort. It all begins from step one. the sweet talks, the late night coffees and discussions, the hanging out together all-the-time or staying up on telephone talking, hugging and telling how we strike the right chord, and then afterwards.. The mask, it begins to come off.

Also, what’s exhausting and exasperating is that I don’t learn. I’ll again go to them if they’d simply call me or they’ll be abruptly decent to me. I will realize that this can be for a reason, now and then, I would be so tired of it that I’d decide to overlook them, however I won’t have the strength to do that. Because I am such an emotional fool, I can’t stop caring for them. I can’t just quit adoring somebody on the grounds that they don’t feel the same way any longer, on the grounds that they didn’t do what I expected from them or what they expected me to do for them, or, they didn’t do what I did for them either. And I can’t become one of them too.. I need to be, I need to feel “I couldn’t care less”, at some point in my life, that I truly don’t know how to give a second thought to something. But I can’t stop caring, about people, for things, for turning of events, for routine, for changes, for anything that goes on. Furthermore, when I see it all happening to someone else, a whole set of memories whizz past. The world we live in, is full of people, who feed on people’s grief.  You can either be deceived over and over or you can learn and transform yourself into one of them.

Ever felt something that you shouldn’t? Ever loathed yourself for feeling somehow? Don’t. Since it’s only natural. Everybody’s the same. Everybody experiences the ‘I hate myself’ phase. If people could read minds, they’d start hating each other. Because, no matter how much they think they’re different from others, they’re all the same. Things which aren’t right when others are doing them, abruptly turn out to be correct when it returns to you. Everyone’s dark, ugly and selfish from inside and everybody tries concealing their inner side behind a thick sheath of fake-ness, hypocrisy and what not.

I feel annoyed at times not because people have no values but because they don’t even stick to whatever little that they have. I know I ought to no more trust any of those “promises” truly yet I am frail and I don’t know how to go on without the ones, I’ve clutched for so long.  And though I know it’s even out of their own control to not let things change, I make people promise that they’d not. I still long for something I should not be thinking about. I figure the voices in your mind are a great deal irreconcilable.

They say they are immortal, when they are kicking the bucket every second, by changing themselves, contradicting what they believe in, just the very next moment, giving up on things and people who once meant everything to them, lying to themselves and by fleeing from who they are.

I should also begin to give up my hold on those long-held promises. I can’t believe pretending is so much easier than being yourself. At least it makes you less vulnerable to be naked in the crowd, with every one of those feelings out in the open, people passing judgment on you for thinking so emotionally. I guess it’s easier to put that part of yourself in some dark closet. Why do you need that part of you anymore, anyway? I guess this might be the reasonable explanation for this masquerade we’re a part of,

I think we should just find those people who are going to be there for a while to watch out on you if you’re too scared to sleep alone, who will stay awake with you overnight because you’re just too happy or too sad to be sleeping, who maybe don’t find you that empty or who wish to fill your emptiness with theirs, so that neither of you feel that empty anymore.

Perhaps whatever I can do, at this moment, in this minute, is being grateful for some of those angels who were there at times, as family, at some point as companions, at some point as darlings, or maybe strangers or just acquaintances at some point in my life. Life was hard, I know it’ll get harder yet there were times when I had an eyelash, yet I couldn’t think of anything to wish for, because right then and there I had all that I could ask for. There were times when I felt the presence of that almighty, I felt him walking with me, carrying me in his arms through the problems. All I can say is, if we can glance back at any minute in life and can discover explanations behind everything that happened, and if we realize that it made us a strong and good human being, that we are today, It gives us motivation to live it further, in hope that no matter how hard it is to find that world where you can be yourself, there is a world where you are yourself and you have correct people to admire you for your twisty and dark shades in it.


Change is good.

“Girl you have changed!!”. One statement I dislike to hear but I get to hear from everyone. Everyone around you is screaming out loud telling you that you have changed. Isn’t there a rule of nature or something that says, “Change is the only thing that is constant”??

We change because we have to. Because this is how we grow up. We have to move from frocks to trousers, from flavored milk to black coffee, from video games to presentations. Not that we are choosing to live this way leaving those old good carefree things behind, because who wants to grow up? Yet when destiny comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. When I was young I remember how large did the world seem to be. Unlike other kids, I never wanted to grow up. I never used to remember my path from school to back home. My father used to leave me there and my mother used to pick me up. I was too scared that time that how I will ever be able to travel the world on my own? While growing up many times people told us that it was stupid to play with those dolls and kitchen sets and doctor sets anymore. I cried a lot, but I had to put them all aside because I had to grow up and become an original doctor or original whatever.

And I didn’t realize where I deserted that innocent girl behind. The body can be unyielding when it comes to acknowledge the change. Our heart isn’t ready to accept the changes. Until we figure out how to comprehend this new reality that what is lost… will be lost for eternity. That sweet little girl was lost inside this thick skin and pretentious brain of mine. A skin which became this thick because people were never done hurting and bruising my self confidence and a mind that became that pretentious because over the time I realized that being original and myself doesn’t work.

As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It’s in these moments, when you just want to get real, drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self.- Meredith

I remember having those innocent infant eyes, tear stained cheeks, uncombed hair, dirty in dust uniform and untied shoe laces when I used to come back from school and never had to worry that I will not see my Mom waiting there. The biggest apprehension that time was that I may not procure first position in the class.  I wish I could go to back to those days. I wish I don’t have to come to this hostel room back where nobody cares about how my day went, that where am I throwing my uniform or bags, that did I finish my Tiffin box, Did I even have a tiffin box, and how am I feeling.  But it all happened so fast that I didn’t have time to save it.

I had to part from many people while travelling through this long journey because nobody had time to look back for others. It was like riding in a bus with many people. Whenever their station came, they left to take their other bus. All we said was goodbyes.. With a slight desire of meeting or seeing them again in our lives. Many of them still live in our heart while rest of them forgot us and were being forgotten. They moved on. So did we. People who weren’t supposed to let us down wronged us and people we never imagined to live without were taken away. And amid all of this, we were taught to take it nicely and learn to live with all of heartbreaks because this is life all about. To live without regrets, with hopes of better future. We aren’t even supposed to look back because those things don’t carry much meaning now and cant be undone.!

Its hard now to believe that I did almost everything that I thought I never would and I ended up in so many situations I used to think I would never face. But one thing I am really happy and satisfied for is, I don’t regret any of things I did. I never violated the set of rules I made for myself. I never did anything so wrong that I couldn’t lift the burden off my heart and I earned those people in this course whom I can confide in, with all my feelings and life. I have got a family who wants to see me all grown up, becoming responsible, establishing myself, getting married and having my perfect happy ending. I have earned friends who love me and are not fooled by any dark images of mine. Who don’t judge me, but remember my wholeness when I am feeling incomplete. I have got a partner who is a real gentleman. The one who is the Sunshine of my life.

So, Growing up and changing is where horrible things happen and those who don’t believe in it are maybe right . What I believe is, maybe things have hurt me in ways I will probably never get over. I have a lot of memories of people I lost forever, but I have other memories too. This is when I fall in love, when I made the best friends for life, when I had best times of my life, when I learnt to become something more than a kid, where I learned to take responsibility for someone else. Basically it all carved me as myself.

So I figure this phase has given me as much as it has taken from me, I have lived here as much as I survived. It depends on how we look at it. And I am gonna choose to look at it that way.!

Hence growing up and changing myself isn’t that bad after all.!!

Life As We Know It!

Sometimes we look at miserable people and and marvel, “How possibly can someone put up with that kind of shit and by what means would someone be able to bring them in that kind of situation??”. Well later, we find ourselves in the same kind of situation, sometimes even worse. Life is a bitch and it slaps your pretty face when you least expect it. Life has its own funny way of compensating things. Perhaps its life’s way to make some of less fucking judgmental morons. By the time you are actually wearing someone’s shoes and have walked half a fucking mile in them, you never realize what kind of painful shoe bite that was. And what a crap!  For the things you were judging others fate, you have landed yourself in the same crap as they did. We keep on giving our reviews about situation, and keep on telling them that you could have done this or that. It doesn’t take much of an effort. Does it?

Like the idea that paper can kill the rock, a lot of bullshit has been fed to us while we were growing up. Most of the bedtime stories which are freaking impossible were told to us, just to instill fear and guilt to keep us in line and to make us learn the concept that righteousness and greatness wins in the end. What you learn when you grow up is that if actually something wins, its “AWESOMENESS”. And definition of awesomeness has nothing to do with nicety and righteousness. Awesomeness is ‘Barney Stinson’. The person who is a womanizing butt hole and has an incredible notoriety for playing messy games and wacky plans for nothing but get laid.  But because he is cute, funny, manipulative, he hangs out in a cool group and goes out of his ways to impress people with his charming, sarcastic and hypocritical ways, he is awesome! Not that he is not a nice friend, definitely he is. (And Neil Patrick Harris is an excellent actor.)

Anyways, we all are almost the same. We all make same mistakes and we regret them too. Those who say regret is a choice, I don’t believe them. We always regret certain things, only we learn to live with those mistakes, which we made and accept them as a part of life, once we’ve move on from the consequences of the shit that happened.

Only some people are addicted to misery. Not that they love to stay sad or miserable, but they are so scared of even trying to escape it. Sometimes they do it to sabotage themselves, so they can live in that friendly space, gaining sympathies of people, regardless of how miserable it is. The way we cling to past instead of accepting the change, the way we are afraid to let go of people who hurt us, instead of accepting who will acknowledge us for who we are and the way we stick to old memories instead of making new ones . This is how we hurt ourselves even more.

Its important to keep a record of the people whom you let enter your life, irrelevant of the fact that they are friends, family, lovers or who-so-ever. If they are toxic, cut them. Not that you should give up on them. I am a kind of person who believes in repairing things rather than replacing them. I believe in ‘’forever together’’ concept. But why to try for those who have already given up on you or who makes you feel any less worth of what you are? Your life on this planet is very short and you don’t have a solitary additional minute to waste on someone who doesn’t deserve your company. Never let people who don’t care enough about you to have an impact on how you feel. The more crap you are ready to put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

“Don’t lick your wounds, celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a honest and strong competitor. You are in a lion’s fight. Just because you didn’t win once or you got pricked twice, doesn’t mean you don’t know how to roar.”

You have to let go of them. It will be a tough time. But so what? When you will come out of it, you will be stronger and a better person. A person of such a strong character who will never hurt anyone else in the same way because he knows the agony. I have been through a lot of ups and downs in my life. I don’t say that I have had all the experiences because I am very young and I know that still a lot is left for me to deal with and learn through. But what I have learnt is that nature has its unique way of striking a balance between hurt and healing. After you move on from all the shit and you find a better life (which you definitely will), you realize that all the pain you have suffered, was totally worth the lesson. Anything that has been taken away, life has made up to it, even better.

We all have an hour glass and none of us know how much sand is left with us. And we have a lot to achieve for many people, for our friends, family and most importantly for ourselves. So it is better to try to make the most out of it and live up to the fullest. And anyone who drains you of your life spirit is not worth another sand grain.

And at the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. So have faith in God and have faith in yourself. There will be moments which will take your breath away. !!.:)

The Game of Power and Blame

A lot has been going around lately which is quite aggravating. A lot of things happen around us in our day by day life which we don’t focus on, because we don’t know those people. We don’t care how to solve it because it isn’t effecting our life that much. Not much, not less. Not at all. Life has its weird amusing way of proving us wrong and shallow most of the times.

A girl got raped. People came out, revolted. Some even had to bruise and injure themselves in the strong feeling of responsibility, humanity and gender sensitivity. For some days that girl and her fatal injuries became a part of the media’s attention. Everybody wanted to save their “Desh Ki Beti”. Even those inhuman barbarians who raped her shamelessly and mercilessly and later, teared her in pieces, were feeling remorse. Bullshit Guilt!!

And then started the Blame game of people. Accusing society, blaming culture, man, woman, dress, mental illness, fashion!! Some of the purported religion lobbyist gave proclamations like remembering God and calling “Bhaiya” would have helped that poor girl. Political parties had a new topic to add in their speech to make fool out of general public, though they cant do anything. Even in her pain, people found an agenda and rushed for it. They didn’t even wait for her to die.

Anyway, the girl died. Nothing changed. No result came out of all those revolts and aggression. Definitely we all were shocked and we wanted to help. But as we give the excuse, “We couldn’t. Our hands were tied.” Then we also faulted our government, society, folks and culture who wont let us fight for it and Then..We moved on..

We thought that physically castration of those rapists would make us feel better. Not hearing of any more rapes will help. But in real, the priority in our movements was to ensure that we’re not affected by these tragedies. If we as a populous of human beings gave a shit about these issues, these issues would have halted quite a while back.

We’re self indulged creatures, who want to believe that we’re different from the rest of the wild animals on this rock. But we aren’t When guys are sitting in the group of friends, they stalk girls who are passing by and comment over their dress and body, Aren’t they doing the same thing to those girls? Aren’t they rationally assaulting them? Those wild fantasies that guys have for girls, so they try to peep in every possible part of their body when they turn, walk or bend, would it say it isn’t off-base? If Such kind of people will fight for women, who will hear them out?

Shallow people. Bloody hypocrites

Aren’t they doing likewise? Maybe, today they aren’t doing it physically, but,  Possibly someday or another if their needs will become that immense, even they will also be ready to rape a girl. In fact we hear the instances of inappropriate behavior at work places, rapes in schools and also husbands rape their wives!! Isn’t is as big a sin as that was.!

If we ever want hope of helping any of it, we need to take some of the responsibility on ourselves, only then will we have the power to move forward.

Let’s shift the perspectives..

If we question their manliness, they’ll get uber-buff. If we tell them that they are not able to meet the economic demands of their family, they’ll start wearing gleaming home loan installments around their necks. The behavior isn’t an issue of rights, it’s an issue of power This is a patriarchal society. This fact isn’t going to change any sooner. Even if you are always prepared and well precaution-ed, shit can happen. If things can go wrong they will. This is not nature’s fault. If someone cannot control their testosterone, doesn’t imply that we need to fence ourselves inside limits. There are  some parts where safety precautions aren’t extravagances yet necessities to survive brutal environments.The culture in our country is not designed with the interests of female gender in mind. This is apparent in the appalling extensive number of female foeticide cases to the unmindful concept of dowry.

After all of this, nothing stops. We are all ready to take risk with our lives and we go to jobs and colleges everyday. From every street we pass, we get eve-teased. Group of guys make us feel ashamed about being a girl and we bow our head down and continue strolling on our way. Our folks are frightened who are living so far from us for our well-being. But they want us to study and become something, So they are taking their chances.

Every time when I go home, they are so comforted to see me safe. Every time when I leave, they try to shroud their fears behind their goodbyes.! I really wish I could make it through this all and go safe to them. We can all just pray. Living here at this place, there are not lot many things we can do about it. Certainly It wont work for every one of us, because there will be more ‘Daminis’ and ‘Hetals’. But we can hope for the best and attempt to maintain a strategic distance from these mis-happenings, So that when we get back to our parents, they can smile again.!!