Denial

There is a place. No actually it is not just that, it’s an emotion. More like a village, but bigger than a village, but smaller than a town. And more like a museum, it has so much to do with art. So much to do with expression of inexpressible, beyond the words. It has that field which my heart longs, where I am not sitting alone, though there is no one around me. I am with my soul. It is the home. It is where I belong. And it is not necessarily the place where I was born and brought up. And it’s not the place where I spent the best years of college. It is beyond that reality of here and horizon. It is too small to be called a world, but sums up to be the world to me. And there are no Unicorns there, no fairies, no Satan, no right and wrong. What and all discretionary ways to portray it?

I am Confused, really botched up. And, I am continuously contradicting the on-goings with my perception of rights and wrongs. I am so stuck between being too ambitious and too languid at the same time. I can’t be so lousy, so senseless. As if, I have this time in this world to just be squandered. Oh which by the way reminds me, I am also wasted when there is absolutely no time, I have, to waste. However, I am so exhausted, and yes alone. And, believe me, it’s a hard thing to accept that you are lonely. Here in this world, where everyone is posting their crazy ‘groupies’ on Instagram and Facebook and people can’t stop checking-in to the FB, notwithstanding when they are crapping in a loo. Also, people’s updates be like “Pooping in a World-class lavish Loo of Amsterdam, where toilet-paper, gracious its carefully assembled fabric, straight from the trees of Amazon rain-forest, and seat is made up of ‘Heart of the ocean’, which after titanic sank, came setting out to the canal, and here I am (Oh good for you) farting sparkles out of my ass”. Where everyone is in the race of proving his life to be more meaningful and better than every other person, I don’t know if it’s me who find these people amazingly self-obsessed and too-sad-from-inside. Or they might be actually enjoying but my definition of fun is just not this. I can’t be drinking and smoking up all the time and be happy about my oh-so-meaningful life. I can’t be capturing pictures with people who will not stay everlastingly, just because, they are here in this moment. I deny to live in this moment for today. No I yearn something more permanent. This is not my idea of a meaningful life. And I can’t be seeking it any longer. I can’t be patient to be tested in relationships and friendships anymore. If there’s a quality of patience in it, then it isn’t true bonding. And I am ready to love and I am prepared to yield for someone who feels the same way. And no, this is not too hard.

Why life can’t be that jazzy like they show in movies? Why wouldn’t I be able to go on a Euro trip as well and fall hopelessly for my perfect Rahul? Why can’t I be living in Manhattan, sitting on the Orange Couch in the Central Perk, listening to ‘Smelly Cat’ with my Ross? Is it so difficult for people to let everyone live their own dreams and not ruin it with their opinions of Reality? Because, I am sorry, but I am not sorry for my reality being different than yours. And maybe it’s a denial for you, so be it.

I had a friend in college who was after this idea of “wedding planning” in the wake of watching “Band Baaja Baaraat” and she used to let us know all, how she wishes to arrange our weddings for us, and how we all will set up bachelorette parties and baby-showers for one another. Also, we used to be so excited for these plans, despite the fact that we knew we won’t be around forever to execute them. Much to our dismay, we will come so distant from reality that now this world appears to be miserable and boring. A young girl in my heart kept praying for those days to not end ever and as it was supposed to happen, we grew up.

Only it wasn’t terrible enough, life needs to toss more turmoil to us by making us an average person who is more like a ‘baby elephant’, when it comes to flying like Mr. Eagle’s son. Forget about acquiring a fortune and owning a Mercedes for next ten years, you are not really going to make it in this world where every day you will sell your dreams and aspirations in your 9 to 5 job, getting trained for something which has nothing to do with your own plans for life. Life is quite a lot messier when it comes to real deal. And don’t even kick me off about finding the ‘knight in shining armour’. For all he cares, he is caught up with slamming his whore in red lipstick and short skirt with a slutty stocking and charming leather hunter. Don’t go out looking for chivalry, since Ned stark is dead and Jon snow too.

Peace. Is that a lot to request? Yet, fine, I’ll in any case attempt to settle for this new challenge and some way or another in all the scarcity, will be struggling for making my demands meet the necessities of my life, and then there will come that wealthy spendthrift friend, who has a father who is printing more money for his children, than our government prints for the whole nation to survive. Further, that butt hole dependably passes judgment on me for being too skimpy. For not following my dreams, for not making the most out of this gift called ‘LIFE’. Dude! For the love of Satan! Back off.

And then that senior, who won’t skip a chance to judge me. For my work, for when I am not working. For my drinking, for my not-drinking. For staying back at home on weekends, for going out and attempt to smile for a change. For breathing, for not breathing. Huff! And afterward my landlord who needs to know, whether I am drinking or smoking or doing something unlawful in that house,  if I am staying alone or bringing a gentleman along, And If I am not doing this why the hell in this world do I have to stay alone in a 1BHK. And if I am not living alone, then my flatmates who are more agonized than my parents over when and at what time am I coming back? Who am I spending my time with, who am I bringing along.  Who are these people? What are they? Can’t they live without sucking my blood and poking their noses in my business for no evident authority or reason?

Anyway, genuinely any of these issues don’t shake my individuality. No, simply because somebody who doesn’t hold any significance in my life can’t make me feel terrible about it. And I am a strong person when it comes to it. I am that “bitch” who doesn’t give shit to anyone and doesn’t take shit from anybody. I honestly don’t care, even a dime, for anything you do in your life. If you are my friend, you are that lucky bastard whom I will save from any hell that may befall on you.  And if you are not, but you are a human being, then also you are spared of any nonsense from my side unless you voluntarily come jab your nose in my business.  I simply don’t think anything is right or wrong. They are not just black and white. They are grey sometimes. I am that person who feels sympathies for villains because I can sense the reason for their being a villain in the first place. Now that doesn’t mean I’ll support them over you. No! That just mean I can very well understand and relate to everyone’s reasons for being or behaving in a certain way. In easier words it means that please live your life and let me live mine. Kindly tend to your own personal concerns. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.

People claim to be happy and that’s what they post on these social media platforms. Honestly, if I think of the times I was happy, I couldn’t care less to look for a camera. I read it in a book, that beauty of nature or togetherness is just too vast to be captured in photographs. You should capture it in your heart and it will stay there forever. I am a very private person, which can be one reason for me to think this way. But that’s what pricks me that this is not where I belong. I belong to some place where believing is more important than flaunting. My happy place is all where I need to be at this moment and for the rest of my life. Where sensitiveness is not a weakness. Where people don’t call you a bitch for being yourself.  The place where messy means more than uncooked food and scattered books and unfolded clothes. Where friends are there for more than simply drinking or hanging out. Where they are an extended family to me. Where they won’t abandon me because I can be really hard at times. Where ‘jealousy’ as a feeling is esteemed more than simply being something negative. Because it is not negative.  I feel jealous because I want you to want me the same way I want you. I am not scared of others coming in, I am not under any inferiority complex. But I don’t believe in finding out something better just because what’s there right now isn’t good enough or you deserve better.  Not in relationships. If this is an old-fashioned approach to life, then I am flawed. If that makes me conservative, so be it. My parents have taught me a big deal about being like this. Even though they are conservative, they have not just blindly trusted me with everything but also have supported me throughout in thick and thins. And I can’t think of doing it better than them.  And So, I don’t see myself improving anytime soon.

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