Dilemmas

So, yesterday I was sitting with my friends, Usual Friday, we drink and we talk about our problems, we discuss how others are insane and we are the ideal individuals who have a privilege to ridicule others, we crack jokes. We are know-it-all, never-listening-to anybody freaks, where one individual tells a little great story he has, and he’ll wind up listening to other’s ‘lot better’ story. A few of us are such brute that we can’t stop our insane crap picking disposition, cuz we are only the best, the immaculate. We talk now and again about how the job sucks and how we are not prepared to figure-out, what we have to do about it. We begrudge individuals who are leading an extravagant life on their rich father’s money and how we are way too modest and respectable, to ask our dad for unnecessary luxuries. We ask one-another what they need from their life, and there’ll be a never-ending-never-changing speech, starting, loaded with, and finishing with countless ummm..s and I don’t knows.

I would say this year has been so eminent for me. I discovered a career, a course to life, couple of great friends. I changed my city, my perception for so many things. Glorious year, 23. Isn’t It.?

Still I feel like a teen, however, carrying on like a youngster now is childish and I am a grown up. So regardless of the possibility that I can act the way we like, because it’s only one life, I take a moment of silence to acknowledge, I have obligations now.

I just can’t be that happy-go-lucky youngster any longer. I am a 23-year-old. Though, I still squirm in my seat at my office because I feel clumsy in those formal clothes. I surf on internet, talk to people. I still feel lost in this new city, urgently looking for any serendipity, which will let me believe that the choices I’ve made are legitimate. I listen all night to Led Zepplin or Avicii, because they sing exactly what I am feeling. I despise Labels. College is over. Everybody I knew no more lives in the same city as me, and I ache for the times of running forward and backward between hostel rooms at 1 a.m. I have a couple of commitments now. I find my work really interesting and appealing. Also, it partly balances my need to make those extravagant-fancy degrees feel justified.

As people, we promise each other that we are there for them, though secretly we are judging them for every step they take. We assure each other that those who broke our hearts won’t own us forever. Yet, we are still hung-over the old friendships, failed relationships, unachieved dreams. The majority of our discussions nowadays fixate on assuring each other that we will be fine. We are happy for one another yet hard on ourselves. We applaud our friends for getting promotion or an on-site opportunity, but we constantly berate ourselves for not having our very own consulting firm or business or a flourishing startup.

I always tell myself to quit whining and make the most of it. Life isn’t terrible, it’s dynamic and the world is my own. I have my family and my friends and I’m in good health. I am close to them and I am fortunate to have their back. I have the time to be with friends and celebrate. I get to balance my work and party spree, because I am not stressed over anyone relying upon me yet. Yet this apprehension remains, and it makes me cynical. Even when life is really great, and still I can’t quit stressing. God knows what will happen when I’ll have real things to worry about.

People urge me to calm down. They tell me this will all fall in to place. They tell me to catch up with the time and enjoy it while I still have it. I hear them. I understand. Yet, I wonder how things can simply become alright. We need to put the puzzle-pieces right at their place. And consistently I feel that every moment I am not on putting them right there, I am wasting the chance to make it alright.

I still waste my time the same way I used to, in college, but now doing this makes me so uncomfortable.  Like I’m missing out on hobbies, which I ought to have. I still haven’t finished those books which I wished to read a year ago. I haven’t achieved goals which I wished to peruse a year back. Like I don’t have enough time to learn all the things, I thought I’ll be great with, at this age, and this time is passing so rapidly.

I have understood the futility of lounging around viewing F.R.I.E.N.D.S. scenes, I’ve seen one hundred times, yet I don’t really have a desire to change that. I still dream of having a 2BHK apartment, where across the hall will live my own Joey and Chandler. And I know this is unrealistic, but how do I give up on something so beautiful, something I’ve been cherishing so fondly and dearly since forever.

I’ve always find it better to stay alone and spend time with myself. This is my age of going out every night. I am too young to stay in and do nothing but snuggle up in bed, curl myself into sheets and have these vague thoughts running wildly in my mind about existence. How much of life I’ve lived till now anyhow? The bigger picture is yet to come.  I understand, I should be more productive, my presence must mean something, there ought to be a purpose and it must be fulfilled but I haven’t figured it out quite yet.

Despite the fact that I think so much about how is it going to be, the future, I’m not in any hurry to visit it any sooner.  I don’t want to be at the point where I can’t be viewed as a kid. Maybe because, for the vast majority of us, in early 20’s, life explodes as we try to figure out why we picked that career or moved to this city or loved someone. But I just don’t see how it is worth to give up this time of life to understand the purpose behind those things.

It happens to every one of us eventually, the moment comes when we ask ourselves: Where did the time go? When did the youngsters we used to be once, grow up in to adults? How did the life I longed for, transform into a career I never anticipated? And, how did that girl I saw every day in the mirror get to be a lady I don’t even perceive? Nobody can tell what went between what I was and what I became. The point is I chose to continue onward.

Yes, life can change in a flicker of an eye. Improbable friendships can bloom, important dreams can be hurled aside, trusted people can betray, a lost hope can be revived. No wonder, there are few people who see how rapidly time passes. That is the reason they’re so resolved to get what they want… before its past the point of no return.

So, I should continue moving forward, to relinquish the fear and regrets that keep us from appreciating a journey that will be over too soon. Yes, there will be sudden twists in the streets, surprises we didn’t see impending and lovely encounters, sometimes, in the arms of mother, in the touch of loved ones or toward the end of a spiked edge … yet, that are truly the point, wouldn’t you say?

Furthermore, however a few days it is hard, I make an effort not to live for what’s to come.

After all “The best thing about future is, it comes only one day at a time!” 😀

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