I stopped publishing because few of my best friends told me that it wasn’t good what I wrote and I wonder why the hell in this world, I cared. I started writing because I felt that’s what I like to do, this is how I like to tell what my opinion is. And it wasn’t for anyone. It didn’t need an approval from anyone on being interesting and grammatically accurate. How we change I wonder. At some point of time it really did matter to me what others think of what I like to do. This is where I like the ‘growing up’ part. I think you become more confident, more accepting of what you are. You preserve the right of approval for yourself and for your likes and dislikes. I majorly respect my critics for what they said was something they felt and it is better that they said it. I am lucky to find such honest people in my life. This is the reason we are friends in the first place. And I realized, they didn’t want me to stop writing. They wanted me to improve. I couldn’t see the challenge behind their criticism and I gave up. But it feels really good to write again. Honestly even now , I have no idea whether I have the full control or I have stopped giving shit anymore.
A lot has changed in this long period of time. I’ve perceived in myself, a sort of psychological myopia . My reality which used to be so loaded with possibilities, all of a sudden began to shrink as my need for security grew. I accepted what came in to my way in the face of all my dreams. I put them in some locker separately and I plan to revisit them sometime now but it all seems so tough and impossible. I have come a long way I guess. I toss and turn in bed for what feels like ages before I fall asleep. And just after I get in to deep sleep, I wake to the sound of the wind rattling through the window. I’m not sad. In fact, I am really at a point in my life when I am happy, a little satisfied with myself for whatever I’ve become. It really did take a lot of sacrifice, hard work, anticipation and patience. I can’t genuinely say that I feel successful, however at least I’ve recouped some control over my life. It’s just one of those phase we all go through. I remember farewell party in college, we laughed for hours, and at the end, we all sobbed because we knew we were parting forever. The misery went on for couple of days, possibly months, I can’t recollect. Anyhow, mere fact that I can’t recollect says, its over. Growing up further, being a professional was hard, I wasn’t ready for it. Sometimes we know where we want to go, however the feeling that moving to that path implies you need to leave things throughout your life behind. It’s nearly a self-inflicted prison that we bolt ourselves into, in light of the fact that the change that is important to make headway is going to put us in bizarre and uncomfortable circumstances; so we stay put.
All of us (including me) have a tendency to concede our joy as we sit tight for this mysterious time where everything will line up, and life will be just as wonderful as we planned. The fact is, life doesn’t start after the struggle, life is the struggle, and instead of staring off into space about the anticipated destinations, we have to appreciate this trip; its truly all we have. Waiting for things to be impeccable will keep you waiting for maybe a long lone time.
I figured out, in a very short period of time that we put a mask of certainty and assurance. In time, that mask gets stuck and we can’t remove it. As infants, we discover that if we cry we’ll get attention. But, we no more cry now, except when no one is watching, Nor do we heartily smile at anyone other than our very own people because we feel that they might feel we are vulnerable. They might take advantage of us. But in this state, things have got so clearer. I don’t feel alone. I’m surrounded by the people who just like me are pretending that life is going normal. When we meet others, we always talk about the same things and same people. The conversation seems new but all we do is pretend that our life is still interesting. When we meet our real people, we tend to burst out with all the emotions which are making our heart heavy and then they make us realize that if they are with us, it is not so difficult. At least we are not alone. By the day’s end, when it boils down to it, all we truly need is someone who know us for our true self and our darkest fears.
“At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it’s usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.” – Meredith
We all experience loss in our lives even though we didn’t sign up for it. We crib, we stay in denial, we fight the facts and when ultimately we have no choice but to accept it, we somehow make it through the storm. I’ve loved and lost, and I’ve trusted and felt the betrayal. And why just me, I think everybody has a story. I’m also sure some of those people from my past are happy to see me gone. But this is life, and no matter how cruel or unfair it is, slithering up into a ball in the wake of getting dumped isn’t going to help me much. The thing about life is, when it’s good, it’s so very good, and when it’s bad, it hurts so much. And if you can’t find a way to balance all those ups and down, it will make you crazy. There are moments where all of a sudden in a split second, your life changes forever. Some days the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, when you least expect it, the world is alright again.
“Don’t wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don’t. In the face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it all together.”
Ever wondered how often are we doing things out of obligation rather than because we simply want to? How often is it about fitting in, instead of being ourselves? What cost are we truly paying, when we do things to please others, at the expense of our own satisfaction?
There isn’t a person reading this, who isn’t going through some kind of shit. What makes people different is how they choose to deal with the shit that comes their way. Complaining rarely helps address it.
The problem is we fail to realize the importance of the moment when it’s there.
You only need the light when it’s burning low, Only miss the sun when it starts to snow, Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low, Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home, Only know you love her when you let her go
With time I learnt, rather than wasting energy on feeling sorry for what happened, I can show gratitude for so many amazing things that I have right now, for so many people who are still with me whom I might even lose eventually just like I did in the past. The older I get, the more I realize, these emotions will never fully be understood, let alone controlled. So I might as well live this time, follow my heart, pursue my dreams, challenge myself for my hobbies, for all I know, these can be the ‘good old days’ when I look back at my life, ten-twenty years from now. And if they are, I have no time to lose. I’d better put a great show for myself.