I like to write because this is the only avenue where I can express myself without any constraints. Because who else won’t judge you?
After a certain point, it stops to make sense. People you were extremely enamoured with, no more appear to hold your importance. Things around are fast to change or maybe it’s me who doesn’t grow tired of being stuck with the same group of people with not the scarcest possibility to grow. Maybe I am too damaged, too shady and twisty, I feed on people’s goodness and when I have sucked out all that I would, I’d simply outgrow them. I’d rather not let myself know that the world has come up short on genuine people. I would prefer not to let myself know that everyone is wearing a mask and everyone is trying to become someone which I am eventually going to like, but they are eventually going to be tired of pretending.
It’s either this, or that the people I meet consistently are simply faking it all. They take their own sweet time to show their true being. What I fail to comprehend is the talent by which people fake bonding. I can’t fake a “hello” with somebody I don’t care for. Also, I am an easy prey, I accept. Since regardless of the amount of generosity, humanity or just say ‘nicety’ you shower on them, they won’t leave an opportunity to stab you in your back. What’s more, regardless of how hard they attempt, little bit of mask peels off step by step and staying with something they are not, is a lot of an effort. It all begins from step one. the sweet talks, the late night coffees and discussions, the hanging out together all-the-time or staying up on telephone talking, hugging and telling how we strike the right chord, and then afterwards.. The mask, it begins to come off.
Also, what’s exhausting and exasperating is that I don’t learn. I’ll again go to them if they’d simply call me or they’ll be abruptly decent to me. I will realize that this can be for a reason, now and then, I would be so tired of it that I’d decide to overlook them, however I won’t have the strength to do that. Because I am such an emotional fool, I can’t stop caring for them. I can’t just quit adoring somebody on the grounds that they don’t feel the same way any longer, on the grounds that they didn’t do what I expected from them or what they expected me to do for them, or, they didn’t do what I did for them either. And I can’t become one of them too.. I need to be, I need to feel “I couldn’t care less”, at some point in my life, that I truly don’t know how to give a second thought to something. But I can’t stop caring, about people, for things, for turning of events, for routine, for changes, for anything that goes on. Furthermore, when I see it all happening to someone else, a whole set of memories whizz past. The world we live in, is full of people, who feed on people’s grief. You can either be deceived over and over or you can learn and transform yourself into one of them.
Ever felt something that you shouldn’t? Ever loathed yourself for feeling somehow? Don’t. Since it’s only natural. Everybody’s the same. Everybody experiences the ‘I hate myself’ phase. If people could read minds, they’d start hating each other. Because, no matter how much they think they’re different from others, they’re all the same. Things which aren’t right when others are doing them, abruptly turn out to be correct when it returns to you. Everyone’s dark, ugly and selfish from inside and everybody tries concealing their inner side behind a thick sheath of fake-ness, hypocrisy and what not.
I feel annoyed at times not because people have no values but because they don’t even stick to whatever little that they have. I know I ought to no more trust any of those “promises” truly yet I am frail and I don’t know how to go on without the ones, I’ve clutched for so long. And though I know it’s even out of their own control to not let things change, I make people promise that they’d not. I still long for something I should not be thinking about. I figure the voices in your mind are a great deal irreconcilable.
They say they are immortal, when they are kicking the bucket every second, by changing themselves, contradicting what they believe in, just the very next moment, giving up on things and people who once meant everything to them, lying to themselves and by fleeing from who they are.
I should also begin to give up my hold on those long-held promises. I can’t believe pretending is so much easier than being yourself. At least it makes you less vulnerable to be naked in the crowd, with every one of those feelings out in the open, people passing judgment on you for thinking so emotionally. I guess it’s easier to put that part of yourself in some dark closet. Why do you need that part of you anymore, anyway? I guess this might be the reasonable explanation for this masquerade we’re a part of,
I think we should just find those people who are going to be there for a while to watch out on you if you’re too scared to sleep alone, who will stay awake with you overnight because you’re just too happy or too sad to be sleeping, who maybe don’t find you that empty or who wish to fill your emptiness with theirs, so that neither of you feel that empty anymore.
Perhaps whatever I can do, at this moment, in this minute, is being grateful for some of those angels who were there at times, as family, at some point as companions, at some point as darlings, or maybe strangers or just acquaintances at some point in my life. Life was hard, I know it’ll get harder yet there were times when I had an eyelash, yet I couldn’t think of anything to wish for, because right then and there I had all that I could ask for. There were times when I felt the presence of that almighty, I felt him walking with me, carrying me in his arms through the problems. All I can say is, if we can glance back at any minute in life and can discover explanations behind everything that happened, and if we realize that it made us a strong and good human being, that we are today, It gives us motivation to live it further, in hope that no matter how hard it is to find that world where you can be yourself, there is a world where you are yourself and you have correct people to admire you for your twisty and dark shades in it.